I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
