fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
