you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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