Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
