theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
