Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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