I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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