the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
