hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
