Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
