I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
