I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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