Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
