im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
