Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got inside last night via doggy door
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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