Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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