he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
