I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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