Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
