I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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