Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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