You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
