I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
