I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Less talking, more tequila
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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