ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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