Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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