I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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