upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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