I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize