talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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