I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
