I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize