the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
