new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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