apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize