Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
foreskin is a definite game changer
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
