I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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