I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Are my feet made of real feet?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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