Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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