I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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