I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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