"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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