I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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