Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
