The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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