Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize