Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
