I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
