Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
