I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
