Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
