Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize