"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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