My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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