I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
