She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
