Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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