I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
