Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
