So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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