I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
