He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You need Xanax blowdarts
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
