Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
