You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
