i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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