Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
