If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
