Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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